Few things can more permanently alter the dynamics of a peaceful apartment as having a roommate get engaged.

Friendships change, phones are monopolized and the living room starts to feel like Squaw Peak.

Coping can be difficult, but the advice of experienced roommates and fiances can help.

A few of our resident BYU experts volunteered their time to develop a list of coping mechanisms for roommates and for the engaged couple.

Be Nice

The first rule when learning to cope with an engagement in an apartment, for both the couple and the roommates, is to be nice.

"It's like a family, and you have to be nice to the family," said Ashley Tanner, a sophomore from Lee's Summit, Mo., majoring in humanities.

Erin Taylor, a sophomore from Dallas, Texas, majoring in history, had two roommates get engaged last year.

She said gifts are a great way for the fiance to keep the roommates happy.

"It may be easy to resent them at the time because you may feel left out or ignored or jealous," Taylor said. "But I liked gifts, even though they were just manipulating us to get the approval of the girlfriend's roommates."

Get a Separate Line

Engaged roommates consistently demonstrate a tendency to enjoy talking with their fiances.

"So get a cell phone if you want to talk," said Kirsten "Eddie" Edlefsen, a sophomore from El Segundo, Calif., majoring in international relations.

Edlefsen, who has two engaged roommates, said, "If it wasn't for the cell phone, I'd never get to talk."

Accept Differences

An engagement marks the last few months before the fiance will make a drastic and permanent switch with whom they room.

Experts warn that accepting changes in the roommate relationship is vital.

"Realize that you won't see her very often," Taylor said.

Maren Phillips, a sophomore majoring in music, from Plano, Texas, said, "Don't be offended if they don't want to live with you anymore."

Phillips has been engaged for two months.

Anne-Marie Marchamt, a junior from Moberly, Mo., majoring in marriage, family and human development, has roomed with three engaged girls.

"Don't expect to have the same relationship because it's just going to be different," Marchamt said. "She is making life-changing, eternal choices, and you are still sitting at home on the couch, not dating."

Enjoy the Perks

Just because things are going to be different doesn't mean that you won't be friends anymore.

"It's nice to talk about things with your girlfriends," Phillips said.

She said even though a fiance is wonderful, some things are still more fun to discuss with roommates.

Tyler Evans, a junior from Salt Lake City, majoring in mechanical engineering, said, "Make sure that you help them find the little moments when they can think about something besides their fiancee. Help distract them in a healthy way from time to time. Have fun with them."

Having fun together can include enjoying the wedding.

"It's not all drudgery," Tanner said. "You get to go to the reception and eat cake."

Watch their Example

"For roommates of engaged people, take tips," said Isaac Smith, a junior from Salt Lake City, majoring in English and economics.

Smith's roommate got engaged last March.

"Try to spy on them and see things that your roommate does to set the mood because it obviously works; he got the girl, or vise versa," he said. "If you can imitate that and reproduce a similar environment, then you too, someday, may be engaged."

No PDA

The number one rule that engaged couples violate, experts said, is the no-making-out-in-the-living-room rule.

"Leave the action somewhere besides public," Evans said.

Taylor said, "Don't make out in front of the girl's roommates - ever."

Roommates and the couple can resolve the public-display-of-affection (PDA) issue in several ways.

Taylor recommends making noises before coming into the apartment.

"Jiggle the door handle, or pretend to forget your key and knock on the door," she said. "You will know you saved yourself when they are sitting three feet apart on the couch blushing."

She also recommends compromising with the couple by automatically vacating the front room about five minutes before curfew, giving the couple a few minutes to "say goodnight."

If the smooching gets to be a big problem, Evans counsels honesty.

"My advice for people who have engaged roommates is do not be afraid to blow the whistle," he said.



Copyright Brigham Young University 13 Feb 2003