The wedding date approaches and to-do lists multiply. Life is about to change forever, but your schoolwork still piles up and your relationships demand more time than ever.

Here are a few hints from couples who have been there before.

Look beyond the wedding.

It's exciting to plan a wedding. Everyone wants to offer advice, but the danger can be getting so caught up in details - in the excitement or in the stress - that you forget why you're getting married.

"Plan for a life together and not just for a day," said Alicia Cambell, a senior, majoring in communications, who was married last April. "The wedding comes and goes. You're better off using the time you're engaged to really get to know each other."

Tami Varner, a BYU graduate who was married in November 2001, said she agreed.

"It's not about being the princess and prince of the day," Varner said. "It's a celebration of a vow that lasts forever."

Try replacing your to-do lists with goals for your first year together. Attend the temple together regularly. Continue to participate in ward activities. Consciously form habits you want to have in your married life.

Focus on the details that matter most to you.

There's no way you can possibly give every detail of your wedding 100 percent. Everyone has some limit to time and money. You can save a lot of stress and money by deciding which details matter and relaxing about the rest.

"The thing I really cared about was the photographer," Cambell said. "I wore my mom's wedding dress to save money for pictures. It was expensive but I loved it."

For Alex Poe, a sophomore majoring in accounting, who was married in August, the food mattered most. Varner wanted an Asian theme.

Whatever detail you need to make your day special - indulge. Go for it. But don't indulge on everything.

Accept help.

Just as you can't give every detail your full attention, you likely won't be able to do everything alone. Fortunately, friends and family are often eager to help.

As an engaged student, I quickly realized my limitations and turned preparations over to my mom and sisters. They gave me assignments and asked my opinion from time to time, but they took care of most details themselves. It freed me to plan for after the wedding.

Varner had a similar experience.

"I could have said this was my wedding and done everything," Varner said. "Instead I picked out a theme and some colors and let Marcus's family take over. It was a lot less stress on me and it helped them get involved. It made it their party, too."

Consider having the reception before the sealing.

Having the reception first allows you to enjoy it, rather than wait anxiously to get away. It also allows you to rest and focus on the ceremony when it comes, rather than worrying about reception details.

"I think it keeps the wedding day sacred," Cambell said. "It makes the reception fun, too. I was tired for the reception, but I would have been utterly exhausted if it had been on the same day."

Relax - Laugh

After months of planning, couples hope for a smooth, flawless wedding day. It rarely happens. But mishaps - traumatic or small - make the best memories. Be prepared to laugh.

"My sister made a beautiful veil for me," Cambell said. "The night before I was married, her roommate's cat tore it up. We had to run to the store, buy some material and make another."

Other disasters are deliberate. Friends and family frequently sabotage the newlyweds' car.

My family jacked up my aunt and uncle's car to prevent their getaway, kidnapped the bride when my sister was married and hid a bunch of kids in the back of another aunt and uncle's car before they left on their honeymoon. None of them were thrilled at the time, but they all laughed later.

Alex Poe said he's not quite ready to laugh at his wedding disasters yet.

"We found out my wife's car was stolen on our wedding night," Poe said. "Some punk teenagers took it and crashed it."

Poe said they also lost all the pictures from their wedding when the photographer's camera broke.

"I'm still a little angry, but I know they'll make good stories for our kids and grandkids one day," Poe said. "You have to take them with a grain of salt. What matters is that you're getting married to the one you love forever."



Copyright Brigham Young University 12 Feb 2003